Through the eyes of a child everything is magical and wondrous. Today was the celebration of the anniversary of my birth. To me – the day wasn’t that big of a big deal and more of a day to be ignored and forgotten; however not so much in the eyes of my children.
In their eyes, it was an event to be celebrated and enjoyed. The look on their faces when they asked, yet again, for I’m unsure how many days in a row – is today your birthday, Mommy? Finally, I was able to say “Yes” and the look on their faces was of pure joy and bliss. I received a veritable barrage of hugs and kisses; and my girls were walking on air for the remainder of our morning time together. Their last words to me, “Mommy, are you going to buy a cake and candles?” Yes, darlings. Then, my day began they were dropped off at their day home and I became busy. I forgot.
The two of them were so excited to see me this evening after work, it was my birthday and we were to celebrate. Then, they reached the car and realized that there was no cake. They asked – did you buy a cake Mommy and their disappointment was palatable. No, I’m afraid, I was too busy was my simple reply. It was beyond dejection, they were so disappointed. Until I said the magic words – we’re going to go shopping for a cake – together. And they lit up. And the three of us went shopping.
We have to go to the cake store, Mommy. Yes, dear. Mommy, we have to go to a store that sells birthday cake. Yes dear. Mommy, does that store sell cake (I heard a dozen times)? No dear, but to watch them choose something as simple as a cake for me was incredible. Daughter number two was focused on esthetics, the looks of the cake. She wanted the prettiest cake out there. Daughter number one, not so much – she wanted the BIGGEST cake she could get. We settled on really pretty cupcakes that had rings as decorations, but that makes me question me as a parent.
They were so excited for the day today. Why wasn’t I? Why couldn’t I, as their parent, see that excitement through their eyes prior to their being disappointed; prior to their being disappointed by me? I know I’m busy, but I’m not that busy. I’m not that busy, that the two of them deserve to be disappointed.
I promised myself I was going to become a better parent, the parent that they deserve. Why aren’t I fulfilling that promise? Why aren’t I completing that promise the girls and to myself?
I promised myself, my girls, that I was going to love them better. I was going to love them more. I was going to be less stressed, less tired out and more accepting of the magic that is the two of them. What happened? I also promised them that I wasn’t going to allow that pesky thing called “life” get in the way. So what’s my excuse? I’m blaming life. I so need to provide the three of us with a life, that it’s getting in the way.
I want the two of my girls to think I am the greatest mom ever. I want to be a great mom. I’d settle for being considered a good mom. That’s the most important role that I have. Why can’t I be that person, that mom I want to be? I know they’re only four, but I hope that I can finally be that mom.
However, do I deserve it? I don’t think so.